Wage Slave Anecdotes: CANDY!

candy

Before I start telling stories that will make you hate parents and children and pretty much all of society, I’ll start with a funny story about some good people.

When: Early 2000’s.
Where: Video rental chain store.

I am ringing up the purchases of a mom, who has her two children in tow, aged around 8-10. In order to grasp the true hilarity of this story, you must imagine whenever the mom speaks, the biggest mountain accent you’ve ever heard. Where every word has 14 extra syllables. (I say this lovingly, because that’s how I talk, too.)

Me: “Hi, did you find everything okay?”

Mom: “Just fine, thank you.”

Kid A (heh): “Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom.”

Mom, digging for her membership card: “WHAT??”

Kid A: “Can we get some candy?”

Mom goes back to digging in her purse and ignores the kid.

Kids A & B, alternating voices, frequency, and pitch: “Mom. Mom. Can we get some candy? Mom. Mom. Mom. Please? Candy? Mom.”

Just as she finds her card, she snaps. She’s waving the card around in the air to make her point clearer, glaring at her kids with a burning hatred in the moment.

“CAVITIES!” They wince. “I JUST SPENT FIFTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS ON FILLINGS FOR THE TWO OF YOU! YOU’LL NEVER EAT CANDY AGAIN!”

She turns back to me and rolls her eyes, laughing.

The kids sit down in the floor, gazing longingly at the candy shelves. With pitiful looks on their faces, like they just realized the utter futility of life. As my cousin Chip once remarked when his parents refused to buy him a pet turtle, writhing in emotional pain, “But now I’ve got NOTHING!”

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2 Comments

  1. Davis said,

    July 21, 2009 at 4:22 am

    hope they didn’t steal some when you weren’t looking 🙂

  2. meggitymegs said,

    July 21, 2009 at 7:03 am

    Who knows, Davis? But when you’re a “wage slave,” you don’t really care if kids steal candy or not.


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