Wage Slave Anecdotes: Conversations with Employees

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When: Early 2000’s.
Where: Retail video rental chain store.

Now that I’ve cracked on customers for a while, you need to hear some of the crazy things my employees said over the years.

Jennifer: “Well, I decided not to join the Army.”
Me: “Oh, really?” I said, genuinely surprised, as it was one of the only things she’d talked about for months. “Why is that?”
Jennifer: “I had bad experiences with all my recruiters. Basically they told me not to join. And all the bad things about being in the military.”

—@—

Customer, making small talk at register: “When you have a baby, you lose your mind.”
Robin: “I have a cat.”
No response, followed by uncomfortable silence.

—@—

“All I need is to wake up in the morning, see a soccer ball and lovely ladies, and then go eat breakfast.”
(He’s now a professional soccer player. Go, Paul!)

Other favorite Paul quotes:

When talking to a customer, “Late fee?? We’re not even talking about that. We’re talking about you finding your card. Let’s wait til the card gets here, and then we’ll go there. Right now, you got no card! You can’t even rent! Never mind late fees.”

While talking to a customer on the phone who was having trouble with their PS2, “Hang on one second.” Lays the phone down on the counter. Waits 30 seconds.
“Yeah, ah, our Playstation Specialist said the software could be terminated. Or it could be a defective game. Or system.”

—@—

“I’m tired of YOU, Mister Phone!” — Swamp
(Yep, he worked there in college, too, and he still hates the phone.)

—@—

What? She was a hot monkey!” — Scott on Helena Bonham Carter in “Planet of the Apes” remake

—@—

“Minnie Driver used to be a chunky girl, and then she started dating Matt Damon and he said he wouldn’t have sex with her until she lost weight so now she’s skinny. What? Don’t you read the Enquirer??” — Thomas

—@—

“This weekend? Oh, I was at home. Well, most of the time. And then out. And in. And out.” — Debbie talking to her dad on the phone

—@—

Britney: “Ow! You bit my ass!”
James: “Well, it was right there! What was I supposed to do with it?”

—@—

Singing Aerosmith, “Walk this way! Stroll this way! What? Don’t they say that?” — Terhan

—@—

“Yeah, you’re straight…Straight to bed!” — Robbie the Drag Queen

—@—

James (my gay roommate): “Hey, guess what I am for Halloween?”
Me: “What?”
James: “A flaming homosexual!”
Me: “Your eye makeup is so pretty!”

—@—

“This counter is here for a reason. It’s here to keep F—tards like this away from me.” — Ethan, now a filmmaker

—@—

Me, speaking to James about his desire for collagen injections: “Well, I guess it comes to down to…would you rather have a lip or a car?”

—@—

Customer: “Tehran? Did you know you were named after the capital of Iran?”
Terhan: “It is pronounced TER-HAN, and actually I am not.”

—@—

Me, when Swamp once brought me a pizza while I was working: “It’s got pineapple on it.”
Swamp: “Yeah. I like pineapple.”
Me: “Well, I like boys who are not self-absorbed, but it looks like we’re fresh out!”

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1 Comment

  1. Aaron Lesher said,

    August 21, 2009 at 9:18 am

    You had a lot of very colorful colleagues. They do tend to gravitate to local video stores and bookshops.


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