Guys: How NOT to Pick Up a Girl

Young handsome man with glass of red-wine and two attractive wom

Does it look like a girls’ night out? Then it probably is. If she doesn’t look at you, don’t interrupt.

Giving compliments is fine. You’re right — she does look like that one celebrity. But when you ask for her number and she says no, I have a boyfriend, I’m not interested, you should be backing away from the table as you’re apologizing, and leaving her in peace. Since it’s apparently not obvious to all of you, I feel it necessary to explain to you idiots that the appropriate next step is NOT to sit down at the table anyway, uninvited, attempting to insert yourself into the conversation no matter how hard they try to ignore you, and taking her number anyway from the cell phone lying on the table. Even if she initially thought you were kinda cute, let me assure you, she is definitely not thinking that now. And that’s besides the point anyway, because SHE SAID SHE WASN’T INTERESTED.

You should never invite yourself to join someone else’s party in the first place, but if you’ve somehow gotten to this point (because you’re an idiot), you should turn it into a big joke (on you) and leave, never to return. Once you do, if you are paying any attention at all, you should notice that the facial expressions they are exchanging upon your departure are not happy faces. Nothing about their behavior will seem inviting to you. It didn’t in the first place, but you ignored that, so I’m assuming you’ll ignore this, too.

Your male mind will try to tempt you to go back with a pitcher of beer. Do. Not. Go. Back. Even with beer. Beer bribes are not cool. They don’t work. And you’re basically telling her you think she can be bought, and that you’re the type of person who will now expect her to pay you what you are owed. You are not owed anything. You were denied, and at this point you’re effectively begging. And that’s not attractive. Oh, but you will be unfazed. You will even ask for more. Your ridiculous sense of entitlement compels you. But please don’t ask for a hug. As I said, you’re not owed anything for that beer. And we all know exactly why you want a hug. People do not hug total strangers. Particularly ones whose presence they have tried to discourage. Those boobs you’re trying to get squashed up against do not belong to you, jerk. 

Newsflash: You are a creep. And we’ve known this since the minute you walked up. And you’ve been cementing that with every subsequent act. But here is where creepy turns into scary. She said she wasn’t interested. She told you she had a boyfriend. She refused to give you her number. You stole it anyway, and hours later you’re using it to stalk her. This is not cool. In fact, this is illegal. She can report you for harrassment, even if you think you’re just being clever. Congratulations, you’ve brought new meaning to the term “douchebag.” And if we ever see you again, you’re getting punched in the face. By a girl.

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Leaves of Three Attacked Me

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While camping last weekend, I got some nasty poison ivy (or something). My friend Swamp’s reaction to that was, “I don’t even remember you touching anything!” I’m pretty sure I must have either picked up the oils from my pants or from Birdy’s fur, since she made every effort to go as deep into the woods as she could without getting lost. As usual, she had a blast soaking her belly in the cool creek water and making her legs go kerplunk in the deeper parts. That dog is never happier than when we go camping.

Anyway, I’ve only had poison ivy one other time, and I must not be terribly allergic, because while this batch has been pretty obnoxious and very itchy and has spread pretty bad, mine is nothing compared to some pictures I’ve seen online. A friend suggested a product called Tecnu, which removes the oils from your skin instead of just briefly addressing the itching issues. I highly recommend it. The one I’m using is like a thin lotion that you rub on and rinse off. After using it just once, my itching has all but disappeared.

Tasty Tuesday: Cupcakes in Jars

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In full disclosure, I did not take this picture, nor did I come up with this idea by myself.

Recently BC moved in with Coocatchoo and became the newest resident in our building. And his birthday was on 9/11 — same as my cousin, Nick. I decided at the last minute that I had to do something nice for him. But he’s a picky eater, and I only had an hour or so to put together a boy-friendly birthday-and-welcome gift. The solution: cupcakes in jars. Perfect for them to take on their trip to the mountains for the weekend, where they rented a house that turned out to be haunted and couldn’t do any hiking because of BC’s unfortunate toe injury. Meanwhile, I was camping with the still-in-recovery Swamp and busy getting poison ivy all. over. myself. What is with everyone’s luck this summer? Man.

Anyways, about the cupcakes in jars…I think the magic of these cupcakes, which everyone says taste better than normal cupcakes, is the ratio of cake to icing. You get way more icing in there. I made cupcakes (funfetti) and icing (cream cheese) like normal. Then I got out my half-pint jars with lids. I put a spoonful of icing in the bottom of the jar. Then I cut a cupcake in half vertically and iced the outside. I placed it in the jar on one side. Then I took the other vertical half of the cupcake and iced all the way around it, with a good thick layer on the side that would be in the middle. I also added some sprinkles to that layer. Then I slid it into the jar to form a whole cupcake again. It required a little tapping on top to get them secured. Added another spoonful (or two) of icing on top, and more sprinkles. Capped it, screwed on the lid, and added a circle of pretty paper on top. Voila!

Some people bake the cupcakes in the jars — they’re glass, it works fine. But I thought it was easier to bake them separately for better control over icing placement. If you give these as gifts, I recommend including a note about removing the lid by sliding it across instead of pulling upwards, so as not to remove the top layer of icing. I gave BC four of these because I had four jars, and I think it was a nice amount for two people. It’s a great gift idea, but it would also be a good solution for taking cupcakes to work (or school) with your lunch. You wouldn’t have to worry about the icing sticking to whatever it is you carried it in.

Coocatchoo is an admitted cupcake-a-holic, so she loved them. But my real joy came from hearing about BC, who is not even much of a dessert person, exclaiming that they were like the best cupcakes he’d ever tasted. Right before the haunted house made him dream it was kicking them out. 🙂

Film Fest Friday: The Fox & The Child

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Yes, it’s a kids’ movie. But it is one of the most visually stunning films I’ve seen in a long time — almost like a nature documentary with a wonderful story. I don’t often see movies that make me wonder, “How did they film that?” This one did. Plus, I’m a sucker for movies about animals that are done well. (Duma is another good one.)

This is a French film made by the same director as March of the Penguins. But do not fear the subtitles — it’s narrated by Kate Winslet in English, and what little dialogue it contains is imperceptibly dubbed. Wherever this was filmed in France, Italy, and Romania — I want to go there. I felt like I was in a fantasy land for a couple of hours, traipsing through the forest and making animal friends. The pace is slow, but with good reason. March of the Penguins actually put me to sleep, but this one was lovely.

Spiders and Ticks and Fevers, Oh My!

Usually if I take weeks off from blogging, I have a pretty good reason for it. Usually the reason is feeling crappy.  August, my least favorite month for a myriad of reasons, has finally taken its bow and been dragged off stage. Just in time for us all to spend half of delightful September recovering.

Recently I was bitten on the knee by a brown recluse spider, while either hiking, sitting on my porch, or sleeping. One never knows. If you’ve ever played soccer and been kicked hard in the knee by an opponent’s raging cleats, then you know what I’ve been feeling like lately. Luckily I pay attention to things like joint pain, swelling, and redness, especially when accompanied by a fever. So I’m finishing up a round of antibiotics and getting pretty well healed. This is kinda what my bite looked like, only a lot bigger, and on my knee:

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My friend Swamp, on the other hand, has not been quite as lucky this summer. Back in July, there was a bout of acute appendicitis (and resultant emergency surgery) that cost us a trip to the All Good Festival. I really hated selling those tickets on Craigslist. Then stupid August sent some infected tick to bite him, and now he has Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. He’s been suffering for two weeks already with severe headaches, fever, body aches, and chills. Finally convinced to go to a doctor (MEN!), he now has two more weeks to look forward to, of antibiotic treatment and slow recovery. And the man has not missed a day of work. Unbelievable.

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We’re in central North Carolina, in one of those dark blue counties.

It just makes me a little wondrous at the scientific miracle that is antibiotics. I suppose if we’d been born not even a whole century earlier, I would have probably lost a leg this summer, and Swamp might be dead. How crazy is THAT to think about?

Come on………OCTOBER!