Guys: How NOT to Pick Up a Girl

Young handsome man with glass of red-wine and two attractive wom

Does it look like a girls’ night out? Then it probably is. If she doesn’t look at you, don’t interrupt.

Giving compliments is fine. You’re right — she does look like that one celebrity. But when you ask for her number and she says no, I have a boyfriend, I’m not interested, you should be backing away from the table as you’re apologizing, and leaving her in peace. Since it’s apparently not obvious to all of you, I feel it necessary to explain to you idiots that the appropriate next step is NOT to sit down at the table anyway, uninvited, attempting to insert yourself into the conversation no matter how hard they try to ignore you, and taking her number anyway from the cell phone lying on the table. Even if she initially thought you were kinda cute, let me assure you, she is definitely not thinking that now. And that’s besides the point anyway, because SHE SAID SHE WASN’T INTERESTED.

You should never invite yourself to join someone else’s party in the first place, but if you’ve somehow gotten to this point (because you’re an idiot), you should turn it into a big joke (on you) and leave, never to return. Once you do, if you are paying any attention at all, you should notice that the facial expressions they are exchanging upon your departure are not happy faces. Nothing about their behavior will seem inviting to you. It didn’t in the first place, but you ignored that, so I’m assuming you’ll ignore this, too.

Your male mind will try to tempt you to go back with a pitcher of beer. Do. Not. Go. Back. Even with beer. Beer bribes are not cool. They don’t work. And you’re basically telling her you think she can be bought, and that you’re the type of person who will now expect her to pay you what you are owed. You are not owed anything. You were denied, and at this point you’re effectively begging. And that’s not attractive. Oh, but you will be unfazed. You will even ask for more. Your ridiculous sense of entitlement compels you. But please don’t ask for a hug. As I said, you’re not owed anything for that beer. And we all know exactly why you want a hug. People do not hug total strangers. Particularly ones whose presence they have tried to discourage. Those boobs you’re trying to get squashed up against do not belong to you, jerk. 

Newsflash: You are a creep. And we’ve known this since the minute you walked up. And you’ve been cementing that with every subsequent act. But here is where creepy turns into scary. She said she wasn’t interested. She told you she had a boyfriend. She refused to give you her number. You stole it anyway, and hours later you’re using it to stalk her. This is not cool. In fact, this is illegal. She can report you for harrassment, even if you think you’re just being clever. Congratulations, you’ve brought new meaning to the term “douchebag.” And if we ever see you again, you’re getting punched in the face. By a girl.

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