Tiger Woods vs. Santa

Y’all know me. I love celebrity gossip. I know all the arguments against it. There are so much more important things going on the world! The media is just preying on people’s misfortunes! But I’ll tell you what: anyone who ever watches TV, period, is doing the exact same thing. And people latch onto this stuff for the same reason they latch onto TV — the things that are happening in the “real world” we live in are too depressing and too far out of reach. People need a break from war, and if we can get it from douche bags, we will take it. It’s not preying on misfortune. Exploiting truly unfortunate people happens daily in the media, with the likes of Maury Povich and any number of sad shows like “Wife Swap.” Celebrity gossip is like finding the tragedy in their good fortune. It reminds us that despite how perfectly wonderful and carefree their existences may seem, they are flawed people too, and all the riches in the world can’t make you be a good person. Although it makes being a bad person a lot more fun until you get caught.

So I’m not here to tell everyone to leave Tiger alone or to go back to worrying about real problems like not being able to afford all your Christmas presents this year or wondering how much longer they’re going to keep renewing your unemployment benefits. Let’s face it — the likelihood of that happening is far greater than those of you actually finding a job.

I’m actually here today to say I’m disappointed with the lack of moral judgment happening in the media. Not because I”m in favor of judging people, but because that is what the media does best, day in and day out, and they have totally missed out on a truly monumentous opportunity to figuratively STONE Tiger with his Scarlet Letter — in HD.

Case in point: Saturday Night Live. As far as I’m concerned, the value of that show lies mainly in their ability to snarkily crucify public figures without discrimination. They don’t always succeed at that, but at least they are willing to poke fun at every sitting U.S. President for the last 35 years. That may be one of the truest exercises in democracy this country ever sees.

SNL seriously disappointed me with their take on the Tiger Woods scandal. I’ve heard some damn good Tiger jokes on Facebook in the last couple weeks, and these people get paid inordinate amounts of money to write good jokes, and THIS crap about the PGA Tour is the best they can come up with?

Please. And THIS crap on Weekend Update about the latest ho?

Let me tell you something. Those fifty (or whatever the number is now) girls might be skanky whores, but they are not nearly as dumb as you think. In fact, they are the only ones in the whole situation who are going to gain money and fame, and they knew that when they slept with a celebrity. Hello, that is why they did it. All this talk about “Tiger never used a condom?” It’s NOT LIKE the women didn’t have a say in the matter! Love child, anyone? Portion of the millions, anyone? This is, after all, a country where we’ve been brainwashed to think it doesn’t matter what (or who) you do, as long as you get rich and famous for it.

We’ve all made mistakes in life. We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of. But I have to say that Tiger’s “transgressions” go way beyond “mistake.” It’s a lifestyle choice. You slip up one time? That’s a mistake. He’s just a douche who got caught and now he’s sorry. Yeah, NOW he’s sorry. Actually maybe not so much — he’s still sexting the whores.

You can count me on Team Elin — even if she is a Swedish former model and has millions. I hope she has a good lawyer. I’m sure Tiger’s money is paying for one. Before you start judging me, I will say that I have been a cheater and I have also been cheated on. Neither is fun. But it’s a whole lot less fun to be the scorned party in the situation. And there should be consequences for actions. Those consequences should vary depending on the circumstances and the situation. I think Elin should get half of everything he has, with an additional million for each ho bag he tapped for emotional damages, and an extra $5 million per ho bag for the emotional damages inflicted upon his children, which won’t even surface for many years.

With all the money he’s got, will his career ever be ruined, even if he loses all his endorsements? Probably not. So what real punishment is there? Losing a wife he obviously couldn’t give a crap about in the first place and admitted to regretting marrying? Maybe being prevented from spending as much time with his kids, assuming he cares about that.

But as far as I can tell, he is a typical male, directed by his penis and selfish. Want to prove me wrong? Bring it. Trust me, I’ve been hoping this wasn’t the case for 30 years now. I’ve yet to be convinced.

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