Favorite Funny Quotes Part 2

Scott: “I can’t wait to meet the guy you end up with.”
Becky: “Me too!”

“Do you have any VISINE for those EMERGENCY SITUATIONS?” — Zack Malina

“Get into a twelve-step program immediately!” — Dave Letterman on Farrah Fawcett

“I don’t drink anymore. All day long I have not been drinking.” — Becky

“So like the opposite of a third nipple would be a uniboobie?” — Me

“I can’t stand putting wood in my mouth.” — Jessica Jones, on wooden ice cream spoons

“Fine! I’ll say it! He’s a fucking hottie!” — Scott Prybys on Matthew McConaughey

“Whoops! There goes the liver!” — Becky’s zoology instructor

“There’s a time and a place for everything, and it’s called college.” — Chef, Southpark

“Meg! Who’d you rather? Matthew McConaughey, Enrique Iglesias without the mole, or Joshua Jackson?” — Drew and Scott

Professor Grady Tripp, Wonder Boys: “He said a few things that led me to believe it was his car.”
Crabtree: “Such as?”
Tripp: “‘That’s my car, mother fucker.'”

“The Dutch—they are known, and the Norwegians—they are known for dikes and for cleaning up water and for dealing with spills. They offered to help and yet, no, they too, with the proverbial, can’t even get a phone call back.” — Sarah Palin on the BP oil spill

Nick, Hot Tub Time Machine: “Why did you break up with her again?”
Adam: “I don’t know. All we did was listen to records and have sex. It was epic.”

Mike Teevee, Willy Wonka: “You mean that’s it?”
Willy Wonka: “Do you even know what ‘it’ is??”

“Fate is telling us we’re each other’s Settling Soul Mates!” — the other Wesley Snipes, 30 Rock

“Every time I hang out with you, man, it’s some kind of shit storm!” — Adam, Hot Tub Time Machine

“So you like Show Tunes! That doesn’t mean you’re gay. It’s just means you’re awful!” — Sue Sylvester, Glee

Lou, Hot Tub Time Machine: “Okay, Professor Hawking, tell me in your robot voice how this is scientifically possible!”
Jacob: “I write Stargate fan fiction, so I think I know what I’m talking about right now!”
Lou: “I seriously almost passed out, you’re such a dork.”

It’s sixty-seven degrees outside, and I hate you.” — Roger the Alien, American Dad

Jacob, Hot Tub Time Machine: “It’s like you step on a bug and the internet’s never invented.”
Lou: “Oh, then you have to talk to girls with your mouth.”
Jacob: “I was more concerned with bigger consequences, like me not being born.”
Lou: “Oh. Yeah. No, I don’t care about that.”

“[Taking antidepressants] is like doing jumping jacks in a fucking closet.” — Courtney Love

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