Favorite Funny Quotes Part 3

From Denis Leary’s stand-up performance, “No Cure for Cancer”:
“Nobody’s happy, all right? Happiness comes in small doses. It’s a cigarette or a chocolate chip cookie or a five-second orgasm, and that’s it, okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep, you get up in the morning, and you go to fucking work, okay? That is it! End of fucking list! I’m just not happy…Shut the fuck up. Next!”

Ron Swanson, Parks & Recreation: “Do you fish, April?”
April: “No! Fish are gross.”
Ron: “Let me give you a piece of fishing advice.”
April: “I said, I don’t –”
Ron: “When you have a fish on the line, you don’t just drag it behind the boat. You either reel it in, or you cut it loose. Especially if he’s a nice fish, with a big, lovable fish heart.”

“Your pharmacist called. Apparently you can’t get a prescription for Ecstasy.” — Kenneth Parnell, 30 Rock

“Later is a murky place where anything could go wrong.” — David McRaney

“I didn’t really had a good answer, as so often — is me.” — Sarah Palin

“MTV exists to remind me of how much I’m not getting laid.” — Unknown quote from YM magazine, circa 1988

“It’s because I’m obsessive-compulsive, okay? So shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!” — Becky

“Recess is over! I’m in middle school now!” — Villi, The Mary Kay Letourneau Story: All American Girl

“Who bit me? Was it you or was it him?” — Mike Leffke

“I like to pump up my supersoaker and see how far it’ll shoot.” — Neil Jamerson

“”Every once in a while a blind squirrel finds an acorn.” — Keith Krumpe

“You know what? I’d hate to be a mailman in the ghetto.” — Me

“You should NEVER park your car with the wheels turned! WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!” — Scottie Arbogast

“What? Is that wrong?” — Becky

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Do you hate me? I’m sorry.” — Mike Leffke

“Yo daddy musta been a beaver. Cause DAMN!” — Becky

“Get up and see the sarcasm in my eyes.” — Robbie Williams

“Let me tell you something I like about me.” — Scottie Arbogast

“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” — Oscar Wilde

“Becky, what’s your roommate laughing at?” — Dan Fairman

“Is THAT what that was? I wondered why my teeth were numb!” — Drew

“I love running! I love beer! I love running! I love beer!” — Becky

“It’s a homonym…never mind.” — Dr. Evil, Austin Powers

“Caw! Caw! What are you guys laughing at? I don’t do that!” — Jeff Grimm

“What else did you ignore?” — Scottie Arbogast

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