Favorite Funny Quotes

“If we can grow an ear on a mouse’s back, then surely we can make a peacock immortal!” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.” — Mitch Hedberg

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock: What made you think I was gay?
Jack Donaghy: Your shoes.
Liz Lemon: Well I’m straight.
Jack Donaghy: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.

“The vast majority of people in the world will never be hot.” — James Ball

Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock: I’m gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack Donaghy: I have two ears and a heart, don’t I?

“She has more fights about stuff that doesn’t matter than a YouTube comments section.” — Jeff Winger, Community

“Never go with a hippie to a second location.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Pretty much everything Justin’s dad says.

“This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“He’s a lingerer. You know what I mean, man? He just lingers….Aw, man, you’re not gonna hang out?” — Saul in Pineapple Express

“I would think that the single woman’s biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond when you’re sure you are going to die, after leaning your chair back a little too far.” — Kerri Walters

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock: Hey, you don’t know the Postmaster General, do you?
Jack Donaghy: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp.

“Don’t that look like sad molasses!” — Cookie, looking at a picture of herself

“This is not crawling! This is proud begging like those kids that dance on the subway.” Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

“Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemuse-ed, bellicose butcher. Un-trust… ing. Un-know… ing. Un-love… ed? ‘He wants you back,’ he screamed into the night air like a fireman going to a window that has no fire… except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It’s really hard. This poem… sucks.”  — Charlie MacKenzie, So I Married an Axe Murderer

“Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.” — Mitch Hedberg

“I’ll have you know that I love you.” — Kid in Austin

“You go to that house and work it like a Chinese gymnast: wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“He was on drugs for a while, I think. Not marijuana, one of the bad ones. Even I know that!” — my Nana, aged 84

“You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College!” — Kenneth Parcell, 30 Rock

“I think this is the best mango I’ve ever eaten.” — John Locke, Lost

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack Donaghy: It’s after six. What am I, a farmer?

“You can’t be like pancakes — all exciting at first, but then by the end you’re fucking sick of ’em.” Mitch Hedberg

“This need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is…off putting.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Mr. Schuester, Glee: How do we all say hello?
Kurt:  She’s dead. This is her son.

Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock: Look at this video of a baby panda sneezing.
Liz Lemon: Oh, my God! That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!
Jack Donaghy: You need to fire 10% of your staff.

“Even though there is the whole confession thing, that’s no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you’re simply… eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“What is your contingency plan for a crap storm of this magnitude?” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“What tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this… mediocrity?” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

“What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock: Wanna get drunk?
Liz Lemon: No, there’s too many phones in here.

“Have you ever been to Florida? It’s basically a criminal population. It’s America’s Australia.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

Liz Lemon, 30 Rock: Hey, Jack. Do you treat me any differently because I’m a woman?
Jack Donaghy: Well, I pay you a little less, yes.

“What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus.” — Jack Donaghy, 30 Rock

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