TGIF! Random Survey

It’s been a crazy week. I had two night-time seminars, which means I haven’t been at home much this week. Which is why Birdy is currently under my desk in my office, passed out from built-up anxiety of having to guard the apartment. On Tuesday night, my boss played a horrible practical joke on me regarding the location of a laptop. (“You don’t have it? I thought you got it!”) Unfortunately I couldn’t see him laughing in the text message. So I’m ready for some down time. Seriously. On a happy note, I was told to pick up a package earlier in the week, and I didn’t think I’d ordered anything. It was a wonderful surprise from my friend, Cheryl. She sent me a huge book of vegan recipes from Amazon with a sweet note. I can’t wait to start trying some of them! I promise to post the results. In fact, I have a good vegetarian recipe to post as soon as I can find the pictures. Until then, enjoy this random info about me. 

Is your second toe longer than your first? No

Do you have a favorite type of pen? Oh, yes. Pretty much anything that’s not ballpoint.

What color are your toenails usually? Toenail colored. When I get pedicures I go for turquoise glitter, though.

What was the last thing you highlighted? A signature line.

What color are your bedroom curtains? It’s actually a giant Indian mandala tapestry in blues and purples for light blockage.

What color are the seats in your car? Dog hair colored.

Have you ever had a black and white cat? Yes. His name was Sylvester. So original! He was cool.

What is the last thing you put a stamp on? An invitation to a company event.

Do you like cinnamon toothpaste? No.

Closest thing to you that is yellow? Tube of Carmex.

Last person who gave you a business card? Manager of the Twin City Chop House.

Last person you wrote a check to? Cancer research in memory of someone who just passed away.

Last time you had someone cook for you? Around Christmas, Al made me some awesome spaghetti casserole.

How many emails do you have? Like 5 or 6, but I only check two and have most of them forwarded.

Last time you received flowers? Coocatchoo gives me flowers quite often in the spring and summer.

Do you play air guitar? No, I play steering wheel drums.

What is your high school’s rival mascot? When I was there, it was the Cavaliers. I’m guessing it probably still is.

Last thing you read in the newspaper? One of Jenny’s blind employees got hit by a car this week walking to work.

Last place you had pizza from? Barley’s Taproom in Spindale, NC

Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut? Dude, I can’t even remember. Which is way too long considering that I live in Krispy Kreme’s headquarters city.

Have you ever drunk Crystal Pepsi? Yes, we thought it was so cool when it came out until we tasted it. Gack.

Some of Life’s Questions

Who wrote Sarah Palin’s memoir for her, since she can’t even form a coherent sentence? And why is it called Going Rogue? What has she “gone rogue” from, exactly? Earth?

Why do I only think Johnny Depp is hot when he’s dressed as a lunatic pirate with dreadlocks?

How come high school kids can still get someone to buy them wine coolers, and yet it is now illegal for me (considerably older than that) to buy myself a freaking pack of clove cigarettes?

If Britney Spears is apparently saving herself so much money by shopping at Target, can’t she hire a stylist already?

Why are the shaving razor refill cartridges locked up at the drug store? It’s not the most expensive thing in the store, nor can I see a particularly good reason for someone wanting to purchase (or steal) a whole bunch of them. “Sorry for the inconvenience?” The only purpose of that is to inconvenience me.

Wage Slave Anecdotes: The Oxygen Tank

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When: Early 2000’s.
Where: Video rental chain store.

Early one Sunday morning (okay, like 9:00 am, but I was in college then), I was scheduled to open the store. Came in, turned off the alarm. Took the deposit to the bank. Came back and was counting all the money in the safe and the drawers of cash so I could start up each “till” as we called it. The store didn’t open until 10:00 but it was not unusual to get about a billion phone calls before I had even turned on one computer. At that time, I didn’t understand it at all. Now that I get up early even on weekends, I can sort of understand feeling a little annoyed that the video store doesn’t open until later. Anyway, not surprisingly, the phone rang.

Me: “Blank Store on Merrimon. This is Maegan. How can I help you?”

Customer, obviously elderly: “Yes, I was calling to let someone know that my liquid oxygen tank is empty.”

Me: “Your what?”

Customer, annoyed: “My liquid. Oxygen. Tank.”

Me: “Are you sure you have the right number? This is the video store.”

Customer: “Shit.”

*Click*

Wage Slave Anecdotes: The Mouse Turd

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When: Early 2000’s.
Where: Video rental chain store.
What: Conversation overhead between a little girl and an adult woman accompanying her, relationship unknown.

Kid: “My daddy has a turd at his apartment.”

Lady, breathing out an uneasy laugh: “What?”

Kid: “My daddy has a turd at his apartment.”

Lady: “What does that word mean?”

Kid, rolling her eyes: “You know!…..Poo!”

Lady, now  genuinely confused: “What are you talking about?”

Kid: “He has a little turd — a little mouse turd! In his apartment!”

Lady: “Oh! A mouse turd! From a mouse! Okay.”

Wage Slave Anecdotes: Austin’s Little Sister

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When: Early 2000’s.
Where: Video rental chain store.

Some of our regular customers were a family of five who were both intriguing and hilarious. The dad in this family was very effeminate, and the mom just seemed like a normal mom. We frequently speculated that either she didn’t know he was gay or it was some kind of a marriage of convenience. Of their three children, the oldest one (Austin) had learned his dad’s speech pattern and spoke like a flaming homosexual trapped in the body of an 8-year-old. With an enormous Southern accent. He was your typical oldest child — bossy and controlling of the siblings, but also protective. There was a middle child, a boy, who never spoke. The youngest was a girl, maybe three or four years old. Old enough to walk. One day as I was checking out his mom, Austin exclaimed:

“EW!!!!!! Get your tongue off-a-that!!! It’s naaaasty!” He stood with his hands on his hips, eyes wide as bottle caps.

The little sister had slid back the door of the ice cream cooler and was standing there licking the frost build-up on the inside walls. Maybe she was too little to understand that that was not, in fact, ice cream. She looked up at me without removing her tongue from the frost and just grinned. I don’t know if she was proud for getting to the “ice cream” or proud for disobeying Austin. I guess both would be pretty good to a four-year-old.

Random Pet Peeve: Unmedicated Adult ADHD

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Especially when your child is medicated for ADHD, and you share all the same symptoms. And when it affects my life.

Yellow Index Cards: Hospital Helicopter

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I think this is my favorite of the Yellow Index Cards. I would normally save the best for last, but I really needed this to laugh at today.

The back wall of our classroom was all windows. They looked out onto the front lawn of the campus and the rural two-lane highway on which we sat. The building was very new and modern. In fact, my graduating class of 1996 was the first class to attend all four years in the “new school.” The older historic structure in town, where my grandmother had graduated in 1944, was remodeled and turned into a middle school.

One day, in the middle of a lecture that involved transparencies on the overhead (this must really show my age), a medical helicopter flew by on its way to our tiny local hospital. Usually if someone was medivacced to our hospital, it signaled an injury so severe that our small facility was the quickest option for treatment, even if it wasn’t the most well-equipped. Needless to say, this was not an every day occurence.

Mrs. Robertson was a little…shall we say…oblivious. In more ways than one. But on this day, when her class full of students rushed to the bank of windows to ooh and aah over the helicopter buzzing by at eye level, she didn’t even notice. She never looked up from her teacher’s edition textbook. As we had gotten up, she has been immersed in her book, trying to find a specific passage. She found it by the time we all got back to our seats and continued her lesson.

It was the one time that semester when that sisterly connection I told you about Jenny and I having in that class all the time actually flickered amongst all of us. Questioning faces, heads turning every which way, silently asking the persons on the other side of the room, “Did that really just happen?”

And then we went back to our sketching, sleeping, note passing, and candy eating. Just another day. Typical.

Dogs Like Hammocks Too

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Birdy has been enjoying the new camping hammock I have hung on my porch. Doesn’t she look relaxed? 🙂

Yellow Index Cards: Michelle’s Abnormally Large Boobs

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When I was in high school, I took Advanced Placement Biology. My good friend Jenny was my lab partner. We were both English nerds who were terrible at science. So we spent most days doing the bare minimum for a B (which was actually an A in GPA points because it was weighted). Like I said: nerds. And drawing charicatures of people in our class. Or things that happened during class. On yellow index cards. At this late date, I can no longer remember why we were using yellow index cards. Or index cards at all, for that matter. Jen convinced me that I needed to blog the yellow index cards series, since we still get a laugh out of them 13 years later. Some of them require knowing the people they depict to appreciate the full humor. But I will try to clue you in as best I can.

This particular one was about a girl whose boobs were always just IN. YOUR. FACE. I mean, I’m sympathetic, because I have big boobs, too. But I try not to throw them around like a blue light special. This girl always seemed either oblivious to that notion or like she took great pleasure in tossing them about for us to avoid looking at. And not in a Salma Hayek kind of way (seriously, hers are huge, though). More like a Jodie Sweetin kind of way. It was not sexy. It was abnormal and dorky.

If you went to high school with me and you know who I’m talking about, let’s not name any names here, okeedokee? I know I named a name, but there are lots of people named Michelle. Like Michelle Obama, for instance. Although, I haven’t noticed anything particularly unusual about her boobs.

Randomly Ridiculous

On my way home from work today, I got behind a car with some bumper stickers. This is not nearly as common in the Triad as it is in Asheville. In the mountains, you see a lot of “Support Local Food,” “Namaste,” “One World,” and “Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History.” People down here are not so into expressing themselves publicly, except politically. I’ve finally found bumper stickers I hate worse than anything in the shape of a looped ribbon. This ONE car had this:

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And directly underneath that:

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You have got to be kidding me. One of these would be bad enough. But both on one car? No. Just — no. TGI-Freaking-F!

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