Good Music: Coldplay

This is hitting home for me right now…

Lost
by Coldplay

Just because I’m losing
Doesn’t mean I’m lost
Doesn’t mean I’ll stop
Doesn’t mean I’m across

Just because I’m hurting
Doesn’t mean I’m hurt
Doesn’t mean I didn’t get what I deserved
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I’m just waiting ’til the shine wears off

You might be a big fish in a little pond
Doesn’t mean you’ve won
‘Cause along may come a bigger one

And you’ll be lost
Every river that you tried to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Oh and I’m just waiting ’til the firing’s stopped
Oh and I’m just waiting ’til the shine wears off

Oh and I’m just waiting ’til the shine wears off
Oh and I’m just waiting ’til the shine wears off

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Anger Management: Kick Boxing

I’m having some anger issues lately. I’ve written about this in the past for humorous reasons. But I’m starting to realize that I have a lot of pent up anger and frustration about people who have disrespected me or treated me shitty. Or who continue to do so in some cases. I used to be the type of person who repressed those feelings, because I didn’t see any good reason to let it out, nor did I know how to appropriately. The people in my life who I have seen express anger in a violent, physical way, only did more harm to themselves, to me, and to the situation by doing so.

I’m still not sure I know how. More recently I’ve tried the tactic of just cutting negative people out of my life. I’ve tried the tactic of burning myself with a lighter to distract myself from the intensity of the anger. That does work, but I don’t really like scars.

I’ve reached the point where I”m going to have to try some other things out so I can release these negative feelings and be done with them. Cussing someone out only takes you so far. But sometimes you need to get in a really good zinger and THEN cut out the negativity.

In that movie “You’ve Got Mail,” Joe Fox tells Kathleen Kelly, “When you finally have the pleasure of saying the thing you mean to say at the moment you mean to say it, remorse inevitably follows.” I used to find that to be true. Now…not so much. Well, maybe a little. But I can’t cuss out everyone I have the desire to. After a conversation about this with Jen today, we finally figured out what I need.

I need something to which I can affix a picture of someone’s face and then kick box it. I will admit to doing this in the past with a dart board, a la Murphy Brown. But it seems that as I get older, I need something a little more physical. I need to feel like I am destroying something, but I don’t have anything I feel okay about breaking. I think I am having teen angst now that I’m in my thirties. I’m not quite sure why tears used to work, and now venting rage physically seems to be more appealing. I have an intense need to pummel things.

So it’s decided: I’m getting a punching bag. And I’m becoming a kick boxer. I mean…check out the abs on that girl in the photo! I think there are more positive benefits from this activity than I had even considered.

I am not a punching bag, people. I am AWESOME. There are boxing gloves in my future. Just you wait. I WILL KICK ASS! 🙂

Dream Journal

Last night, I dreamed I was doing this:

The weird thing was that I was actually good at it, which makes no sense at all. I am normally terrible at doing anything physical. I can barely walk without falling down. Yesterday when I was taking Birdy out for her afternoon walk, I tripped over some new pine straw that the landscapers had laid down earlier in the day, and fell on my ass. Pine straw. I know. Well, it can be slick, and I was wearing flip flops. Birdy tried to leave me there on the ground, glancing at me over her shoulder as she kept walking, like, “Oh, good God! Here we go again.” I think I embarrassed her. She is way more athletic than I am.

In part two of the dream, I was on a camping trip with a friend. We saw some of these, which are pretty common in the mountains here in North Carolina:

I used to dream about bears all the time, but more in the context of being lost in a forest and having them chase me. This time it felt exciting and fun to see one in the wild.

My most recurrent dreams involve being part of a resistance movement or a rebellion, being pursued by bad people, doing things that aren’t necessary legal for the benefit of the greater good, being on the run, traveling. Recently I dreamed I was in a guitar class taught by Dave Matthews, and he was also the leader of the resistance. I lived next door to a powerful political figure, and Dave convinced me to get him to come over and then blow the place up. I don’t remember how I was supposed to escape. Dave brought me some gel explosive, but he didn’t tell me how to use it. So I put it inside a cigarette, lit it, and tossed it at the guy (but missed). But instead of blowing up the townhouse we were in, it just created a small fireball that extinguished itself pretty quickly. No one got hurt. My cover was obviously blown. That’s all I remember. Feel free to analyze my delusional subconscious at your leisure. 🙂

Goodbye

I had to say goodbye to someone important today. I’ve been trying to do that for a while now. But today I did it officially, on orders from my therapist. I am letting go. I don’t want to, but I have to.

We’ve said all there is to say, repeatedly, but I want to say publicly that I hope you find happiness. And I’m sorry that it didn’t involve me. Very sorry. And maybe once in a while, think about me, and all the cool things we did together. Live long and prosper.

Today’s Gratitude

I have a Facebook friend who recently posted something about how no one wants to hear about your daily gratitude journal. I happen to disagree with that. Not only would I enjoy reading other people’s daily gratitudes, but I think I’m going to start posting some. Because it’s my freaking blog and I can do whatever I want. I don’t care if anyone reads it or not. It’s more for my own documentary purposes.

My therapist has suggested I do the daily gratitude thing to break the habit of negative thinking. I”m not sure that’s going to be a remedy for all my craziness, but I’m willing to try. She said to shoot for two things per day and that they don’t have to be huge things. Maybe just that the sun is shining.

Today I am grateful for:

Jack Johnson

I’ve lost four pounds since becoming a vegetarian recently. Yay!