Random Pet Peeves


1. Fake tanner. As long as these products have been on the market, you would think someone could invent one that actually worked the way it’s supposed to. In my opinion, they are worse now than when they first came out so many years ago. I’ve tried the lotions, the sprays, the micromists, the towelettes — you name it. I can’t get a single one to go on evenly, and they all make me look like a streaky oompa loompa. Fortunately they don’t smell as weird as they used to, but what good is that when you look like you’re just dirty and splotchy? Orange is NOWHERE NEAR my actual skin color. So when they say “two to three shades darker than you natural skin tone,” on me that means, “You will look like an alien from the planet Tangerine Soilpax.” I keep trying them, and I keep getting disappointed. And I don’t want to spend department store cosmetics prices. I don’t care if tanning beds are carcinogenic now (well, officially anyway — I think we’ve known that for years). If I ever decide my pasty skin is too pasty again, I’m going to the salon. At least I’d save money on all the products I buy and use once. Oh, and just so you know, the L’Oreal brand fake ones are the most orange of them all. I really actually liked the Neutrogena Micromist, but it washed off in the first shower I took after applying it. The color and smell were both better, though. Too bad it didn’t work.

stare copy

2. Unfriendly neighbors. Seriously, what is so hard about smiling and just generally being nice to people? I have this one neighbor who moved in around the same time I did, and we are completely aware of each other and have never spoken. He runs all the time and seems to not have any friends. At least, no one ever appears to visit him. Whenever we make eye contact, I try to smile and start to say hello. Number one, if we do make eye contact, he’s looking at me out of the corner of his eye, suspiciously — won’t even turn his head! So I try to be friendly, and he jerks his head away and ignores me. Most of the time, I don’t give a &^%$, but sometimes it really makes me angry. Like yesterday morning when I was up early and out walking Birdy, in a very good mood and starting my day off really well. And then BOOM! Some people seem to just carry negativity around with them.


3. Mosquitoes. I know it’s kind of just that time of year, where mosquitoes are everywhere and unavoidable. My friend Swamp is convinced there’s something that’s attracting them (yeah — ME). While repotting my big palm tree over the weekend, he discovered half a bag of potting soil that had been rained in and was sort of liquified. He said, “This is definitely where all the mosquitoes are coming from!” Since disposing of the bag, I have not really noticed an improvement. In fact, it’s worse right now than it has been all summer. And I had the same problem last summer, and there was nothing outside that could have really attracted or bred them. They just zero in on me. I have the big kind of bites that are itching through my clothes. I use bug spray. I burn incense. I try to wear as much clothing as possible, which means another type of discomfort to endure, sitting outside wearing long-sleeves in August. I need help! I can’t take it anymore! It’s such a conditioned response that as soon as I sit down outside, I start itching all over, even before I get bitten.